the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
