Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I FOUND THE LEGS
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
