it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
