Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
