capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
what is it with giant penises always finding me
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
