Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
