why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
