I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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