i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Randomize
