He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
