Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
