I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
