did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
