you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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