I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
