I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
