I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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