I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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