I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
