Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
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