3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
