there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
