what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
