Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
