I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
