the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
