well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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