if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
