Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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