so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
