We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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