I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
