my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
