everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
