omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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