He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
