You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Randomize
