i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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