R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
