I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
