how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
