why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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