whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
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He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
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You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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