i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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