How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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