i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
