If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
