You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
