Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
