Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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