True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Randomize
