You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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