Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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