Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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