i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
