you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
