Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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