Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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