So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.