So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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