I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.