Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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